Why I Hate сырок...

Russian cuisine is not fancy. It focuses on the staples: meat and potatoes... literally. Dishes such as пельмени (pelmeny), which are essentially glorified meat dumplings, are served plain or more frequently with a dollop of sour cream. This might strike some as a bit bland or in the case of the sour cream even inharmonious, and perhaps it is, but the trend in Russia seems to be the uncommon combination of common ingredients. Given that I like most all foods, and am not opposed to nearly any dish, this style of preparation seemed to pose no problem for me. And it didn't...until I encountered сырок.



Cырок (pronounced see-rock), is a perfect storm of low quality ingredients, thoughtless combination, and poor presentation. Even it's intended mealtime (breakfast) seems pulled out of the ass of some unstable Russian marketing mogul, perhaps as a vodka-induced practical joke. As my Russian is far from perfect, the ingredient label remains, thankfully, a mystery. Nonetheless, I will give you my take on this...er...food. It starts with the sugary center filling, of which there are many varieties. Think of this as a sort of high fructose fruit gelatin. Somewhat like the fake cherry coating that can sometimes be found on buffet-style dessert squares, only less sophisticated. This interior surprise is wrapped in the bulk ingredient, which has the flavor ricotta cheese, and the texture of whipped cream cheese, the metaphoric yolk of our sacchrine egg. Remember again, the quality of this layer is also bordering on irresponsible. To top it all off, the outer coating exactly resembles, and may indeed be, that quick-hardening chocolate syrup that they have at Dairy Queen which forms a uniform shell around the ricotta log. Top this all of with a colorful individual wrapper and keep in refrigerator at 4 degrees celsius, and you have a dessert only a Russian mother could love.

I say dessert, but make no mistake: this is the very first thing I am served in the morning. On an empty, jetlagged stomach a 100 gram sugar and fat pellet is not so much digested as it is absorbed somewhere in the esophogus and then sent forth directly into the bloodstream. The resulting nauseating buzz and subsequent crash resembles all too closely a cocaine bender gone wrong.

Just when I thought my stomach was starting to acclimate to this pinnacle of Russian cuisine, I was presented with the rougue wave of the сырок product line: the triple chocolate...cold chocolate ricotta, with a crusty chocolate shell and a rich chocolate center to boot.

It's going to be a long two months.